ARE YOU IN DANGER OF HAVING AN ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT?

I’m writing a series about Shakespeare right now.

Did you know that he introduced something like several thousand words into the English language that had never been used before?

The one constant of all languages is change; neologisms appear all the time. Words commonly used today such as webinar, indie, omnishambles and Brangelina were unknown 20 years ago.

And nobody Googled.

Here’s some other neologisms; some of them are in use, some are merely humorous. I’ll leave you to decide which is which …

 Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed by someone who has just walked through a spider web.

Bangster : someone who works for a bank

Bozone : the substance surrounding stupid people that stops ideas from penetrating.

Caterpallor: the color you turn after finding half a grub in the salad you’re eating.

Celebaby: the baby of a celebrity

Circumvent: an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Coughin: any enclosure where smokers go to smoke

Crapacity: the size of one’s attic or garage

Crapplause: a polite but unenthusiastic expression of approval.

Decafalon: getting through a whole day consuming only things that are good for you.

Deskfast: breakfast eaten at work at your desk

Digital afterlife: what remains of a person on the internet after they’ve died

Dryathlon: a period of abstinence from alcohol

Ego surfer:  A person who searches for his own name on Google

Facekini: a face mask worn on the beach to protect facial tanning

Flabbergasted:  appalled over how much weight you have gained. (eg after Christmas)

Foreploy: misrepresenting facts about yourself in order to get get laid.

Frisbeetarianism: the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Gastrocrat: a wealthy person who spends all their money in expensive restaurants

Gaydar: A homosexual person’s ability to identify another homosexual in a crowded room

Geobragging: continual Facebook updates from foreign locations to make other people jealous.

Giraffiti: graffiti painted very, very high.

Grass ceiling: the barrier to career advancement due to an inability to play golf

Ignoranus: someone who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Inoculatte: to start the day with four coffees in order to get through it

Karmageddon: its like, when everybody is giving off all these really seriously bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, man, wow, serious bummer.

Ladybro: a woman’s female friend

Listicle: article based on a list of points. Something like this one

Lymph: to walk with a lisp.

Mansplain: to explain something to a woman in a patronizing way

Negligéent: a condition in which a woman absentmindedly answers the door in her nightgown.

Pawdicure: a pedicure for a dog

Percycution: giving your child a name he will hate for the rest of his life.

Phubbing: snubbing someone in a social situation by looking at your phone instead of at them

Pokemon: a Rastafarian proctologist.

Rectitude: the dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Refiance: to change your mind about marrying someone

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Skilljoy: a friend who’s just that bit better than you at everything.

Spankbuster : a best selling novel with a lot of bondage scenes.

Staycation: a holiday where you stay at home

Tweet cred: your social standing on Twitter.

Twinterrupt: to stop talking to someone in order to check your cell phone for messages

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Holy Week, Easter, Spain

COLIN FALCONER

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Colin Falconer is the bestselling author of thirty novels, translated into over twenty languages worldwide.
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3 Responses to ARE YOU IN DANGER OF HAVING AN ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT?

  1. I have to give my head a shake. Where have I been? ;-)

  2. susielindau says:

    And some we use today! I am introducing hideous = amazing in my book. I have a few thousand to go to compete with William.

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